Ten years ago I was in my room in Cyprus holding a handful of pills ready to take my life. This decision was the culmination of two masochistic years of trying to modify every aspect of myself that could betray I was gay.
Fortunately, just when I thought that my only way out was to put an end to my miserable life I saw a glimpse of light, clung to it, and chose a better path.
Until this very day I’m amazed at how even at that lowest point in my life, when all I could see was darkness, I managed to see the light and turned what was about to be a fatal experience, to a miracle.
My personal experience points to a larger truth about the human ontology: We can never be completely disconnected from love.
You Are Made of Love
Have you ever seen a depressed baby?
Don’t think too hard, you haven’t! And this is because little babies are the most accurate representations of our ontology, being physical embodiments of love.
As we grow up and get indoctrinated into the limiting rules and stereotypes of our society, we eventually dissipate from our love-liness and pinch ourselves off from the love that truly defines us.
In my case, for two years I put myself through hell by judging my body and rejecting my sexuality. I eventually strayed too far away from my connection to love that I was prepared to end my life.
The reason I didn’t was that, despite my mental and emotional straying from love, my physical body was still a physical manifestation of it. No matter how much I hated myself I was still an embodiment of love.
It was this physical, unbreakable connection to love that saved me.
In my decision to commit suicide I had surrendered all my self-judgment and loathing. By doing so I stopped blocking the flow of love that was constantly provided to me through my physical body, and I could finally see it!
Reclaim Your Connection to Love
Fortunately, you don’t have to hit rock bottom to reclaim your connection to love. There’s a simple yet powerful process that you can practice anywhere, anytime, to instantly recalibrate your loveliness.
Try this now:
- Put your hand over your heart. Your heart is where your physical and spiritual selves meet. It is the powerhouse of your physical body, sourced by God’s infinite love for you. It is constantly beaming love and light, but you can only feel it when you consciously pay attention to it.
- Close your eyes, breathe, and feel your heartbeat. Visualise a ball of light in the centre of your heart that grows outwards with every heartbeat. Observe as the light grows bigger and bigger to fill your entire body with light, and expands out of your body to encompass the entire room.
- Put your hands in the prayer position to seal the process. This hand mudra acts symbolically to help your physical body assimilate this powerful spiritual energy, grounding you, so you can take this loving energy with you through the day without feeling spacey.
How do you usually deal with bad days? Do you face the problem head on, or do you hide away in denial? Let me know in the comments below.