I’ve never expected that after years of spiritual work, I would still be in a position of doubting my own worthiness. Yet, here I am in an attempt to, as the saying goes, teach that which I want to learn, so that I may learn it: Self-worth.
It all started when I found out that we had to form our own teams for a university coursework. As soon as I read the notification my stomach cringed, and I instantly went into denial mode, brushing the entire thing off my mind and going on with my day. Things got worse when, during a lecture, I realized that everybody else had already been arranging themselves in teams, and I hadn’t. My hands froze up, my jaw tightened, my breath quickened, and I was overwhelmed with anxiety. Simply, I was on the verge of having a panic attack!
Confused at my overdramatic response to what seemed to be an insignificant circumstance, I took a deep breath to calm myself down, and tried to figure out what was wrong with me!
And then it all made sense.
Although, I have no problem working in a team I am assigned to, I detest having to assemble one on my own. For as long as I can remember, I was always the last person to be chosen as part of a team. As a kid I was shy, introverted, didn’t like sports, and instead, loved singing and reading books – in other words, I was nothing like the acceptable stereotype of a young boy. As a result, nobody wanted me in their team – as simple as that. In fact, nobody wanted to talk to me, let alone hang out with me. I was the epitome of an outcast.
In my mid-high school years, tired of my failed attempts of comradeship, and refusing to take any more rejection, I simply decided to deny any form of team work. Whenever we were asked to work in teams, I would simply go up to the teacher and ask for permission to work on my own instead. Unfortunately, permission was always granted, and my teamwork trauma survives until this present day.
I’ve always said that 90% of healing occurs in our willingness to do so, and it was time for me to prove my own point. I was willing to change. It would have been incredibly immature of me to rest in self-denial, and let the experiences of my past continue to define my present and future. As Josh Groban sings in his song, ‘Brave’, instead of hiding away from the thunder, I decided to look into the storm and feel the rain.
Reclaiming my authenticity
- Breathe. I was a step away from freaking out in the midst of a lecture, therefore, the only thing I could do was breathe. Deep, conscious breathing into a feeling of discomfort, lets our body know that we’ve acknowledged the situation, and help is on its way.
- Reassure. “Out of this situation only good will come. This is easily resolved to the highest good of all concerned. All is well, and I am safe.” I learnt this affirmation from Louise Hay, and it has pulled me through countless fearful situations before. Hindsight has shown me, that any kind of obstacle I have ever faced turned out to be a hidden blessing. I had no reason to believe this wouldn’t be the case for this issue too.
- Face the fear. My process of dealing with any fearful situation includes praying, meditating, and taking inspired action. Having completed the first two steps, I was inspired to get my journal out and delve into the past. Tentatively, I made a list of all the times I had felt rejected by the people around me. I knew that, to heal my feelings of unworthiness I had to bring all my unresolved business to the present moment, and deal with them once and for all.
- Change the channel. Finally, it was time for me to change a channel that has been playing on in my mind for too many years. Having brought my past rejections into the light, it became clear to me that I was no longer the person who experienced them all these years ago. Consequently, there was no logical explanation why I would manifest this kind of rejection in the present moment, other than my belief that I would.
Although, I am still very different from most people I know, I am no longer insecure about it. I choose to stand in my authenticity and let my freak flag fly, without needing anyone’s approval to be myself, or to be happy. In other words, the awakening moment behind this situation, was to liberate myself from the need to be accepted in the first place. The very reason behind my past rejections was my own insecurity about the person that I was, and my futile attempts to prove myself by taking on other people’s ideals. With this insecurity gone, I am now free to be unapologetically me, and let Source define my worthiness and match me up with people that share my own unique, and worthy sense of authenticity.